i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
