I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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