I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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