one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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