A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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