I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
