I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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