Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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