Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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