It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
