I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
