How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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