mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think i got beer on your cat.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
