my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
