i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize