nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
