Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Too much gin, very little bucket
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize