Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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