not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want nice things and good sex
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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