can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize