I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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