thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
