mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want nice things and good sex
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
