I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
