he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
