Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
