it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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