Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
