Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
