Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
