dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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