There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
