We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize