listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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