I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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