It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Randomize
