shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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