her facebook's as public as her vagina
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
