I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
