Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
