If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
