I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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