if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
