when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
