I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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