My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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