He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
porn star boner night. come get it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
