wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
