He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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