i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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