Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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