It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
