Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
