not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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