this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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