is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
