Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
