i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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