time to smoke my breakfast
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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