He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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