Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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