Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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