he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
